This is a touchy subject for me to address/"talk" about as I am still trying to get to that point in my life where I am content if not happy with myself... especially my size. I recently had a short conversation via twitter with a beautiful girl who said she is finally at the place in her life where she's happy with herself... I can't wait to say the same.. :)
Anyways, I've been meaning to write about this for awhile now so here it goes...
A few weeks ago we went to a small little , i guess you could call it an amusement park to celebrate my nieces 11th birthday. When I say small, I mean small. They have about 5 rides, a small arcade, batting cages, go carts and a small mini golf course and also a super tiny laser tag that was actually pretty fun. When getting ready to go I thought to myself hey why not wear a skirt I'm not going to get on any of these rides , but not because I didn't want to, because I knew there was no way I would "fit" in to the majority of the rides.
We get there and I'm the only one that doesn't buy a wristband to ride all the rides I just buy a golf pass and a ticket to play laser tag with my nieces and nephews (praying the vest would fit me).
So I watch everyone ride the rides there and get a little jealous that everyone is having fun and I'm just sitting there, mostly taking pictures of everyone. I start thinking to myself.... what ride can i get away with riding?! since my cousin/best friend is asking me to ride the rides with her and she's like come on just ride a few (she has better confidence in me than I do). So I go and buy a handful of ride tickets and decide to go on the ride that doesn't have a seat belt or that is required to snap up against you. Its one of those ones that looks like half a balloon (lol) and spins on a little track. It was fun of course but of course I had to be mindful of the skirt I decided to wear. My cousin then wants me to get on the go karts and I so want to get on them and kick some butt on the track like I used to with my dad when I was younger. But i think to myself how ridiculous am I going to look in that go cart? this big girl in a small little go cart... Im not going to fit, Im going to get in line try to fit in this go cart, the seat belt isn't going to snap or fit me and Im going to have to exit and everyone is going to be watching, possibly laughing and Im going to be embarrassed & if the seat belt did manage to fit people are going to be laughing at the big girl in the go cart. I decided to save myself the embarrassment and not get on the go kart. To be honest i was thinking to myself well that guy is a little big and that girl is almost as big as me, maybe Ill fit...but like i said I didn't want to be embarrassed. So I said I didn't want to ride because of the fact that I was in a skirt... my cousin wasn't buying it she knows me better than that..you have no idea how badly I wanted to cry , honestly.. I know its something so simple, go karts... but I feel like i miss out on so much because i don't want to be embarrassed and because I don't have enough confidence in myself.
So moving on from that go kart drama I let my cousin talk me in to riding the scrambler with her that looked so much fun and i remember how much fun it was when i was younger, and of course thinner.
She knows I'm worried about being able to actually fit in this damn ride so she convinces me that the seat belt adjust bigger and the bar is tight on her too but I should be fine (she's skinny so the fact that it fits on her wasn't very reassuring lol) but I decide hey she want me to enjoy the day with her so why not.. So before getting on i say to the guy in charge of the ride "hey, you think ill fit on this?" in a joking voice (because i make fun of myself a lot ) and he just looks at me and shrugs and says "you can try if you want" I would rather of him said no politely.... anyways i get on.. seat belt fits... lap bar barely fit and is squeezing my "extra stomach" and my freaking bladder but it seems like everyone is excited that I am on so I stay on and have my cousin throw me her sweater to cover my lap (cause I'm wearing a skirt). A new guy tells us that when the ride starts if we are feeling sick or want the ride to stop to yell stop or put your thumbs down and then ride begins. Before it started I'm thinking to myself.. ok I'm pretty snug in here I'm not going to move side to side like everyone else is going to. That wasn't true.... i was sliding and it hurt like crazy and my skirt wasn't staying down and the sweater wasn't helping and i felt embarrassed and sick to my stomach so of course I ruined it for everyone and had the ride stopped.... SO EMBARRASSING. of course on the way off the ride i made no eye contact with anyone and kept making jokes about how i was going to puke and how everyone was about to see my business if I didn't stop the ride.
I did have better luck at laser tag though, even though my team lost and the vest barely fit and would buckle but oh well I took that as an advantage for my team lol. I was having so much fun that being out of breath while running around didn't bother me.
About 2 years ago we went to knotts berry farm and the same thing happened which is where i think the fear of not fitting on a ride came about. We got there and fitting through the turnstile was a task. The first ride we rode I could fit through the turnstile in the kid part of the park (camp snoopy) and didn't fit on the first or second ride so I was done being embarrassed and didn't get on any other ride.. I just watched everyone have fun around me and of course took more pictures. I did get on the rapid ride because that didn't require a seatbelt and I got on some stupid ride called the pony express that was ridiculous ! my cousin had a picture of me on the ride and i deleted it because it was hideous!
but i rode that damn ride 4 times because it was the only thing i fit in!
 |
| Pony Express |
I think all these experiences will haunt me forever..honestly..
even when we went to the LA fair I jumped up and said "hey! ill take the stroller through!" because I knew it would mean that I wouldn't have to go through the turnstile if I had my niece in her stroller.
I think I need to find the confidence in myself, I need to not care what people think about me in a go kart. I need to stop being to embarrassed to have fun and enjoy myself. I think I play the role of the "fat friend " too well.. its horrible. Even when we go to concerts which has been quite frequently i feel like I'm doing some sort of walk of shame as we try to find the end of the line.. i feel like everyone is watching me walk back and laughing at me... I don't know why?! It just a weird and awkward feeling and I look down at my feet the whole time... Its horrible!
alright enough of this long ramble that is probably filled with tons of typos...
Heres to me and my journey of self acceptance
xo
That's interesting that I read this today. I've been experiencing the same kind of anxiety. I was recently hired as a flight attendant and i'm MORTIFIED whenever we have to do drills. I'm by far the biggest one in class and i barely fit into everything required. I've come to realize that I'm the only one that really notices it. The people around us don't realize we "barely fit" they just see we do fit. This post meant a lot because I feel identical to you in a lot of ways and have done similar things to get out of riding the rides. (I know the skirt trick.) I think you're right about finding our inner beauty and not caring. It's easier said than done but we got to do it. Have a good day, my dear!
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for saying all the stuff I think and experience but am not quite there in terms of talking about. Getting better tho
ReplyDeleteGo you! X
I can definitely relate to all of the things you said. The embarrassment sucks so much and I deal with a lot of the same things. I came across this post because I was wanting to play laser tag with some friends but im terrified of not fitting in the vest. I dont even go to amusement parks anymore to save myself from the embarrassment of not fitting. I hope we both can get more confident in ourselves. We fat people struggle and deal with a lot more than people could ever imagine. And on top of all that were bullied and harassed for it by certain people. But try to live your life for you not others.
ReplyDelete